The taffeta bag was tucked into the back corner of my dresser drawer. “What’s in here?” I asked myself as I removed the contents and carefully unfolded the tissue paper. The moment I ran my fingers over the sheer navy blue silk and refined embroidery, I was whisked back to the bright, sunny day when I bought it.

Sitting there on the floor, I remembered a glorious vacation with my husband at Lake Como. I could hear the laughter and feel the happiness from all those years ago; taste the fresh Gorgonzola cheese from that little shop in town. I even dared to try on the delicate lingerie to discover that not only did it still fit, but I also looked pretty much the same in it as I had before.

who is that woman?

My reflection in the mirror startled me. I hadn’t thought of myself “in that way” for so very long, and unfortunately, nor had anyone else. I was happy to see that I looked good, but sad to think of what had been lost. Life is so different now compared to when I had tucked that bag so affectionately into the drawer.

Robert and I have been separated for over a year and my apartment is for sale.  It’s why I’m cleaning out the drawers, the closets, the cabinets…everything. I want to be prepared to pack quickly once the unit does sell, so purging is required. I was  ready for the work, but not for how it was going to make me feel.  Every nook and cranny houses parts of my life frozen in time, a virtual time capsule, taking me for a walk down Memory Lane with each item.

which is not all bad…

The next few drawers just made me laugh. I had three of them—yes, three– stuffed to capacity with pantyhose and tights. I burrowed through black, brown, navy, white, tan, green, purple, red, yellow, burgundy, and every conceivable shade of nude known to man.   After that, I organized sheer, opaque, fishnet, textured…the list goes on.

Uncovering a bag of greenish tones took me right back to Fogal and how delighted I was to discover stockings that matched my olive shoes.  Each color and texture in the drawers reminded me of the painstaking care I took to search out the perfect tone or texture to make sure every ensemble was just right.

did I really just say that?

It sounds so trivial to me now. With the onset of Robert’s illness, priorities changed and so did the number of meetings and events I attended. The suit that looks so good with those olive shoes and stockings hasn’t been worn in quite awhile.

Being well dressed has always been second nature and important to me, so I still want to look good. However, I can’t imagine ever going back to wearing suits and dresses all the time.   I loved it, but I’m just not there anymore.

So when the little voice said, “throw out the purple tights, Laura!” I did just that. In fact, I was feeling so liberated, that I threw caution (and a whole lot more) to the wind and I’m down to just one drawer of stockings. After all, one must retain one’s standards.

is it just me?

All of this emotion was so disconcerting to me, that I couldn’t help sharing the experience with girlfriends. I was relieved to find out that I’m not the only one that has encountered these enlightening realizations. “It’s like reliving your whole life, “ said a friend who had just moved into her new place after being widowed.

Another friend is also discovering that she just isn’t who she used to be and so much of what she’s been packing up and carting around from place to place isn’t important to her anymore. We laugh and shake our heads in disbelief, for we were so immersed in that other way to be.

I have become profoundly aware of the “life of objects” and how we are impacted by them.  Every item automatically triggers a memory or emotion to either be treasured and saved, or tossed into the trash along with it.  Regardless of whether I celebrate or forgive each recollection, I bless it and move forward. The physical act of examining my “stuff” is helping me accomplish this.

I know that in order to fully embrace my future, I need to honor my past. I don’t want to bring the emotional baggage to my new home anymore than I want any of those extra stockings.

The blue lace lingerie, however, is coming with me.  Because…well, you never know…