life lessons – I'm too old for this …

discovery, family, life lessons, loss, memories, realization, relationships

belongingness

November 21, 2020 17 Comments

The need to belong…gain acceptance, approval, support, and connection…in other words LOVE…is one of life’s basic fundamental needs. While it may not be all we need, it’s a helluva motivator. It can lead us to change just about anything…our behaviors, beliefs, attitudes, relationships, address…even our hairstyles and handbags (Birkin? 2.25? Neverfull?)

After all, being like the other kids is important.

We held our breath and gazed up in anticipation while they entered the room. All of them were smiling, nodding or waving, until Mrs. Varnes caught their attention away from us and onto her welcome to the kindergarten class. They stood watching her, unaware of the whispers between the children seated cross-legged before them on the floor. Murmurs of, “Which one is your mom?” and “There she is!”, echoed softly behind our cupped hands.

I didn’t answer right away. I couldn’t. My mother did not file in along with the others. She was at home with my younger sister and brother. Did I know that she wouldn’t be there? I can’t recall, but do remember asking myself, “Why did he have to come?” It was a mother’s open house, his very presence in the room was odd…

…and felt uncomfortable.

Still dressed in his heavy-duty work shirt, rumpled trousers, and thick, black belt, I knew my father no way resembled those of my classmates. Those dads wore white shirts and ties with sharply creased slacks and suit jackets. There was no way his bulky belt could ever fit through their refined belt loops.

On top of that, his thick, black wavy hair was badly in need of a comb, swooping down on one side of his forehead with a soft curl. He scratched at the telltale shadow on his face that all the other dads didn’t get until five o’clock. To have one at ten a.m. was totally inappropriate to me.

He shifted from leg to leg, looking down at the floor, occasionally glancing over at the teacher. He didn’t know what to do with himself. When he wasn’t clasping and wringing them, he crossed his arms and tucked his hands into his armpits, acutely aware of the dirty fingernails and scars from years of handling vegetable crates and box cutters.

In the wee hours, five nights a week, my father’s business commute was to the produce market in the heart of Chicago. After procuring vegetables and fruit for restaurants all over town, he delivered them to waiting chefs and kitchen staff early in the morning, returning home to sleep while all the other fathers “officed”.

When he was with his friends on Saturday night he was a handsome guy, sharply dressed, boisterous and teasing, but that guy was nowhere to be found this morning. I watched his discomfort as he stood amongst this flock of prim, perfectly preened mothers. In another time or place, he’d be flirting with them, but here at school he was completely out of his element. Despite having three children, I believe he was inhabiting the role of “parent” for the first time in his life, and he had no idea how to do that.

Of course, he thought he did.

At home he ruled the roost, flaunting his prowess and authority by whipping that big, black belt around and yelling. Hearing the “whoosh” as he pulled the belt out of its loops would send us running for cover. Not only weren’t we to be heard, but I don’t think he wanted to see us either. It was the way he was raised and I think he thought that being a father by emulating his made him a member of that exclusive club…a desire that went much deeper than his five o’clock shadow.

As I write this, I can feel his pain. At the time, I could only feel my own.

Perhaps, just once, if he had searched the crowd of whispering, excited children to find my pleading eyes and meet them with love and a smile. Perhaps then, I could have been grateful…thankful that he showed up. Perhaps then, I wouldn’t have noticed his tousled hair or rumpled pants and happily claimed him as mine. But because he never claimed me that way, not that day or really ever, I was hurt…embarrassed, and sorry that he was there at all.

Now I see it through a different lens.

Many strange practices have manifested in the name of love. Wanting to belong sometimes causes us to focus on someone or something to the exclusion of everyone or everything else and we don’t even know it. What we do and why we do it is not always in our consciousness and plays out in many different ways. If we’re lucky, we become aware of our behavior, which allows us to forgive and change it. Remorse over some of my own has afforded me the opportunity to become a better person. I am grateful.

All these years later, I have to give my father credit for trying. Without enough time to get home and spruce up before coming to school, he chose to give it a shot…to be present. Although, he wasn’t really present, was he? Standing there perhaps, but never engaging with anyone or anything around him…feeling as if he didn’t belong there, wishing to be anywhere else. It’s how I remember him throughout much of my life. Given that, it’s not surprising that dementia set in a few years before he died. The challenge was over…presence would never again be expected of him.

Back in kindergarten…

I scanned the mothers and spotted one with dark hair and a pretty face. She was tall and slim, wearing a fitted black dress with a white collar. Her black hat had a large brim and white scarf around the crown. I remember thinking that she was e-l-e-g-a-n-t and would do nicely.

After my appropriation, I could answer the girl on my left, so I pointed and whispered, “She’s that one, in the black dress.” I lied. “Ooh, she’s pretty!” As I was smiling and nodding in agreement, I was unaware that the boy in front of us, Mark, had overheard me, his eyes following my finger. He turned around and yelled, “Hey, that’s MY mother, not yours!” Oh, God, additional mortification!

Caught in my attempted deception, I mumbled quickly. Something to the effect that, “I was only saying she was pretty, like my mother…sorry…”. Paying his mother a compliment seemed to get me off the hook. Even better, it drew attention away from the fact that my mother wasn’t there and that the father all the children were whispering about belonged to me.

Moving on…

Many years later, Mark and I shared a good laugh when I reminded him about “borrowing” his mom that morning. We spoke not long ago, each reporting the passing of our mothers, mine in March, his in May. Our fathers died long ago. I hope all of them have found peace.

I wish my childhood had been different. I think, in one way or another, most of us do. Had I understood the significance of what was happening and how things play out, it would have saved years of misunderstanding and grief. Does it ever work that way?

Forgiveness, whether you’re asking for or granting it to yourself and others, might be difficult, but it is how we heal and move on. It’s never too late to belong…gain acceptance, approval, support, and connection…whether across the table, the phone lines, or through a loving memory.

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discovery, inspiration, life lessons, realization, taking chances

fear of french and other imperfections

December 6, 2018 8 Comments

Parfait

Are you picturing the heavenly concoction made with creamy layers of luscious ice cream, stacked high in a fancy glass with a dollop of whipped cream and a cherry on top? Don’t. I am not referring to that yummy dessert, but the French word for perfect. Damn, was I still craving perfection? I thought I had kicked the habit along with sugar and wheat. Guess not, for there it is, tempting me again like a guilty pleasure.

I’ve always wanted to speak French and my daughter-in-law Parisienne generates additional aspiration. Taking classes in high school led me to try various taped programs over the years…stacks of cassettes, primers, and dictionaries leaving me with considerable understanding, but not enough to communicate with anyone. Which, after all, is the purpose of language, isn’t it?

Fluency requires a comprehensive program, yet each time I contemplated taking class, I was struck dumb. I couldn’t think, my brain scrambled then went blank, and every word that I ever learned in French disappeared entirely. Frightened to death, I was unable to open my mouth to say anything. So, why would an otherwise intelligent adult be seized by fear of a foreign language?

La Juge

Diving deep into my DNA and psyche, I remember that for me, being an intelligent woman was always conditional. I’m supposed to be perfect—both visually and cognitively. If looking good is paramount and I open my mouth and sound stupid, it makes me look bad. Therefore I can’t even try to do anything that may cast aspersions, so instead, I do what I’m good at. There’s no fear when you’re assured a favorable outcome.

If you excel at many things, you tend to lose perspective and forget that you’re limiting yourself. You may not even be aware that you’re afraid of a faux pas. How many of us are like that? I can’t be the only one halting life experiences dead in their tracks, refusing to try in avoidance of my inner critic. Because, let’s face it, very few of us actually get ridiculed by anyone other than ourselves anymore.

Once attaining a certain amount of confidence or enlightenment, we leave many of our naysayers behind. However, that inner judge received its’ training from the major influencers in our lives. Parents, siblings, spouses, teachers, or friends planted seeds in our brains that have flowered and propagated, becoming louder and stronger than any words ever spoken from their lips.

Some are beautiful, others horribly ugly, but they run our lives nonetheless. That is, until we have an awareness of them. Only then can we shut them up.

“I’ve made a vow to do things that scare me…take me out of my comfort zone…aren’t expected from me…to strip away pretense and embrace authenticity. Really, it’s time to live my life without restrictions and insecurities—self or otherwise imposed. I’m too old for that!”

That quote, from my very first blog post in April 2016, evokes my mission toward personal growth, taking chances no matter how much it scares me. And I have been, but was obviously unaware of my original default programming still running in the background. I need to close the window and update the operating system. C’est possible?

Nouveau et different

Reminding myself that the reason I wasn’t skilled at French was because I hadn’t learned it yet, seemed obvious, but not to my brain. The limbic system had shifted to high alert—particularly the amygdala, or emotion center, and the hippocampus, which forms new memories about past experiences.

What does that mean? I’m no scientist, but after reading explanations from a few of them, here’s my take on it.

We know that memories and emotions are stored in your body, which includes your brain. Any new experience will remind you of an old one; whether good, bad, or indifferent. That spark of recognition causes you to respond in a similar fashion to the last time you had it.

In order to push past an old emotion, you must create a new memory involving your current experience. When you notice an old negative response coming up, break the pattern by doing something different this time.

So as your stomach turns and the heat rises through your body until your ears burn and colors your face to match a Spanish onion, move forward anyway. Jump up and down, scream, laugh, call a friend…whatever it takes to thaw your pre-conditioned, frozen state of mind.

Then, take action toward your desire.

By doing so, you’ll change the synapse in your brain and whatever caused that fearful feeling will never be quite so painful again. The worst is over. You’ve proven to yourself that you are brave.

Many are so terrified of their feelings that they don’t get out of bed in the morning. Don’t let that be you. Focus on your goal, or how much worse you’d feel if you never even tried to achieve it, and forget about the terror. I’ve discovered that it gets easier each time. Really.

***Winged Victory***
**The Louvre Museum, Paris**

Courage

I finally submit my test to the Alliance, speak with the placement advisor, and register for classes that begin the following Tuesday. Stumbling through a few French words when requesting my course manuals made me flush (yep, Spanish-onion-red) and my heart pound, but I survived.

The first class and homework gave me vertigo, nausea, and a headache. My classmates also expressed anxiety, which, despite our distress, made me feel better somehow. By the third class, we could laugh at our errors and actually had petites victoires to rejoice in. I’m still overwhelmed, and expect to be for a long time to come, but have enrolled in the next semester and will continue on until I reach some level of proficiency.

Refusing to let my feelings of insecurity determine my actions, I’m focusing on my desire, approaching those irregular verb, gender, and conjugation obstacles with both confidence and doubt. Acknowledging my fear of imperfection and charging ahead in spite of it, seems to be an effective way to overcome it and heal.

La Fin Parfaite

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friendship, inspiration, life lessons, loss, relationships

how the death of my dear friend brought clarity to my life

December 1, 2017 No Comments

One of my cherished friends, Gerri, died in her sleep last month and though I am deeply saddened, I am grateful for the wake up call. It reaffirmed my commitment to live a full, authentic life and reminded me that she was doing just that.

After the death of her husband, David, Gerri sublet an apartment in New York for a few months. She “love, love, loved it!” and has yearned to live there ever since. I always encouraged her to go and have the adventure she was longing for, but many family and friends had different opinions.

*a long, long time ago…with David and Gerri*

“Start over at your age!? Why would you leave your gorgeous apartment, where you were so happy with David, where you have so many people who love you… for what?” As was her style, Gerri was thoughtful and considerate with her deliberation, weighing all of her options, as well as the effect her move would have on others. Her final decision was not a whim…she was going.

The last time Gerri and I were together, we lolled around on the floor of her empty living room like teenagers, laughing and making plans for the future. She was ecstatic showing me photos of her perfect little apartment on Central Park South. We traded gifts, each bringing something of our own to share with the other as personal mementoes. I promised to come visit as soon as I was settled in California. That was a little over a month ago.

Do not put off until tomorrow what you can do today

“Don’t put it off; do it now! Don’t rest until you do. Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter, like a bird fleeing from a net.” —Proverbs 6 verses 4 & 5.

Maybe you may know you have to escape, but are unsure of where you’re fleeing to. If you’re confused by your options or think you have none at all, you may be clinging to a distant memory, dreams of how it could be, or a reality that isn’t quite right.

Perhaps you don’t need to escape, but want something different. You can picture your new life in every detail, but feel restricted by or responsible for family and friends, abiding by their expectations and ignoring your own desires.

Sometimes it’s money or position that stops us from moving on. Many think we couldn’t possibly afford to leave our current lives, but are we constrained or just unwilling to adjust our standard of living in exchange for freedom or adventure?

Paralyzed with fear of the unknown, disapproval, or privation causes many of us to do nothing. I’ve suffered dreadful apprehension involving all of those and like Gerri, I spent a great deal of time considering my options and the consequences of each.

Something inside me clicked into place

When the initial shock at the sad news wore off, I recognized a resolve I hadn’t felt before. I had been traveling along at a nice, comfortable pace, consistently moving forward and letting go of what was no longer necessary in my life. I trusted that all the details would be revealed to me as I eased on down the road.

That road was taking me back and forth from Chicago to Oakland on a regular basis to see clients, friends, and family. Unable to see what lie ahead for me, I hung onto my lifeline in Chicago. It is challenging to have one foot in each world, but clarity regarding anything more had been elusive until right this instant. Now I knew I had to jump with both feet.

If you sense you should be somewhere else, doing something else, listen very carefully to what’s being expressed. Gerri’s death served as a megaphone right into my soul. I could feel it in my heart and hear it as if she were shouting into my ear.

“DO IT NOW!”

Whatever it is you’re dreaming of, aching for, want in your life, or need to escape from—do it now, don’t wait! If you don’t have all the puzzle pieces, start with those you have. Even baby steps will get you there eventually. The important thing is to take that step in the right direction—immediately.

Not sure what direction that is? “Try on” places or things to see how they fit. Join a new class or activity or go to a place and live there for awhile as Gerri and I did in New York and California. Keep searching until inspiration speaks and do what it tells you to do, leaving what’s unnecessary behind.

“All the time in the world”, could turn out to be much less time than you think. It doesn’t matter if you’re eighteen or eighty, we can’t afford to waste any of it. Don’t you want to be living in alignment and truth for as long as you can? I know I do. Gerri’s death magnified the reality of that as never before.

Fly Away Home

Flying off into the sunrise, I’m committed to living a full, authentic life. I have no idea what it will look like or how it will play out, but it’s important that I go. Really go. How can I develop my future while remaining grounded in the past? Taking one step forward and two steps back just won’t work anymore. I’m planting one foot in Oakland, with the other poised and ready to move forward from there.

Those people in my life dedicated to growth and open to exploration, will remain connected, wherever we are. Others, traveling a different path, will grow smaller as we trek in opposite directions away from each other. Then there’s Gerri. Of all the people I thought I would never see again, she was not one of them, so I will visit her often…to her place in my heart.

–in loving memory–

GERALDINE HILT SHUTE

Free Guide — Letting Go — The Manifesto

Do you feel like you’re just going through the motions?

Feeling stuck without knowing why or the next step?

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discovery, inspiration, life lessons, realization, relationships, taking chances

let go and move on

November 7, 2017 2 Comments

5 Lessons I Learned During My Life’s Most Difficult Situation

I had to let go of my husband. Not because he was cheating or lying, but because his illness and attitude changed him into a totally different guy, one who was unbearable to live with if I wanted to maintain my health and sanity. The two years of our separation have taken us through hell, but we are finally on good terms. As his health is worsening, it’s hard not to be pulled back into old patterns, but I know I must keep letting go and moving forward.

That’s difficult for me to report here, because once this posts, Robert will be reading it. I tried a million different ways to sugarcoat my words in fear of his disapproval or retaliation, but I got stuck every time. The words wouldn’t flow until they were honest and direct. I don’t want to jeopardize the recent truce we have negotiated, but I need to take the chance and let that go. If I’m not fully committed to telling my truth, how can I inspire you to tell yours?

Moving On

Well over a year after our separation, I left Chicago to get a new perspective on my life, driving cross-country to stay with my daughter and her wife in California. After a terrific summer with them, the voice of the Universe told me to go to Chicago to “clear things” and to stay “until it’s done.” I took that as a cue to return and empty the apartment in preparation for sale, but as it turned out, I was able to clear and let go of much more than my possessions. One of which was the animosity between Robert and I. Could be why the whole process took far longer than anticipated!

After three months of packing and purging in Chicago, I was headed back to meet the truck with my furniture and boxes in California. A week before my scheduled flight, Robert was informed that his leukemia had reached a level where chemotherapy was required and he was admitted to the hospital. My mind raced back to all those previous hospital stays — what had transpired during, between, and after them. I was distressed for him, but couldn’t help seeing it as a roadblock in my path to departure.

Make the Leap

Have you heard the story of the frog in boiling water? If you place her into a pot that’s already boiling, the frog will jump right out, immediately aware of the danger.

However, if you place her into a pot of cool water and then set it on the stove to boil, she won’t notice the water slowly getting warmer, it’ll feel natural and comfortable while the life is being cooked right out of her.

I had been living in a very warm pot. After Robert’s near death a few years ago, he returned home changed, “my guy” was gone. In his place was an angry man in a wheelchair that kinda looked like him. If he communicated with me at all, it was with harsh words. Nothing I said or did made it any better or led him to seek help. He was miserable and depressed and eventually, so was I. I knew I had to jump out of this, but my guilt immobilized me. How do you leave a man in a wheelchair?

I tried every form of counseling imaginable — traditional or otherwise. Each one helped me get clear on what needed to happen, but it was a tarot card reading that forced me to take the leap. Sometimes inspiration finds you in the most mysterious way.

Althea asked, “What is Laura’s present situation?” As the card was revealed, I could feel a blade pierce my heart and I burst into tears. I was that brunette in the red dress; bound, gagged, and blindfolded; living in a cage of swords. When faced with the image, I could no longer ignore what was happening to me.

Maybe you’re in a situation that’s “heating up” right now. Think about it — at home? at work? Conditions are less than ideal and instead of dealing with the problem now, you’re content to let it boil inside of you. What are you tolerating just to keep the peace or deny your feelings of guilt? Are you clinging to something you should let go of?

I could’ve, maybe even should’ve, stayed with Robert while the pot continued to boil, but chose to save myself and jump out. Taking the leap brought me closer to my true self and it could do the same for you.

Live Your Beliefs No Matter What

Living contrary to your beliefs can make you sick, whether you’re aware of it or not. If it seems right but isn’t right for you, then it’s wrong.

When a loved one affects you negatively, you’re in a difficult situation and certain to have conflicting feelings. After all, you love them. Doesn’t that mean you’d do anything for them? If they’re ill or going through a difficult time, don’t you put your needs on hold to guide them through it? You don’t want to make them feel worse than they already are, do you? You tend to remain silent, feeling guilty for even thinking about yourself and not putting them first. But do you want to wind up in the same condition as they are?

The internal conflict existed inside me for years. My life force was being drained, my health deteriorating, and my stress levels were to the moon. Robert’s bad attitude toward me and everything else caused me to examine the relationship and ultimately realize that even before he became ill, our mutual experiences were limited to those he was comfortable with. They were such great experiences, and I loved every moment, but my desire for a little more spice and adventure was never fulfilled. He wasn’t up for it then and now they could never happen.

I could surrender solely to his needs and limitations or make the difficult decision to live my truth. I chose the latter.

You can’t live a full and happy life with your truth silenced. If there’s a situation in your life where you’re silencing your true self to make someone else or society happy, it’s time for a deep internal dialogue with yourself to determine your next move.

Don’t Fall Prey to The Gratitude Trap

Being grateful for having something in your life doesn’t mean you can’t desire something else. Have you made gratitude a limiting belief? You can be grateful for your home, but still want a new one; grateful for your successful career, but still want a different profession; or grateful that your partner didn’t die, but still want to be more than a caregiver.

Robert and I had good years, we had bad ones. I wanted more good years but didn’t see how we could have them together. My speaking up included a great deal of yelling and crying, but has managed to “clear” much of our anger and resentment toward each other. Our relationship has shifted to one where we are separate, yet connected. I am grateful that I had the courage to act in my best interest. It will benefit both of us.

Are you happy or settling? If you’re not sure of the answer, it’s probably the latter. You have one life to live and it is too short to use gratitude as a guise to silence your ambition or wanting for more. Don’t settle for less — express thanks for what you have — then go get what you want!

You Know You Have To Go.

As difficult as it was to leave Robert lying in a hospital bed last month, I felt I had to get on my flight the next morning. I just knew that he would go through hell and then he would miraculously pull out of it. I had witnessed it oh-so-many times before and couldn’t watch it happen again. I was certain that it would kill my spirit and break my heart. So I left.

I checked in with him everyday, but one morning, a call came from the doctor. Robert had a bad reaction to chemo and ended up in ICU. I fought the urge to jump on a plane — to be there as I always had been before — for him. But at the same time knowing I had to stay right where I was — for me. I imagined nails hammered through my feet to ground me to the place I was standing and waited for the outcome.

Trust Your Voice — Always

Which, of course, was fine. As I knew it would be. I had listened to “the voice”. You know the one because you hear it too. It simultaneously tells you the things you want to hear and the truths you try to hide from. I have heard it many times before and have learned to trust it.

It is always difficult to let go of guilt, fears, resentment, anger, need for approval…and all of that conditioning we think we should do and feel, but it gets easier each time.

I will keep listening for direction and doing the things that are best for me and hope you will too. When you are coming from a place of truth, it’s also what’s best for everyone else…even if it doesn’t seem so at the time.

Get Your Free Guide — Letting Go — The Manifesto

Do you feel like you’re just going through the motions?

Feeling stuck without knowing why or the next step?

Join me and others on our path to discovering our true selves.

life lessons, realization, relationships, travel

detours ahead

June 29, 2017 6 Comments

Another road closure forced me to reroute through Idaho instead of exiting Yellowstone’s south gate into Grand Teton National Park. I spent the night in the least offensive looking motel I could find and studied the map to plan the way to Jackson Hole in the morning.

While I was figuring out the new best route, I was reminded that traveling isn’t easy. There are starts and stops and detours to slow you down or take you off in a completely different direction. It never goes exactly as planned, so be prepared to embrace the unpredictability and improvise.

“Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.” – John Lennon

I’ve had a great deal of practice with that during the past few years. Absolutely nothing has gone according to plan and I’ve had to learn to adapt. I tried to enjoy the road I was on, contemplating all kinds of creative ways to get Robert out of his slump and continue a happy life with him. Problem was, I didn’t have a willing participant.

When it became clear that his days as a surgeon were over, I suggested we take off for a year in France or Italy. I’d study language and he could take cooking classes. He was already an excellent chef and I thought this would appeal to him and refocus our future. “Let’s have an adventure!”

My proposal was refused with a flat-out “no!”

He was so absorbed with his disability, his doctors, and his medications that what he couldn’t do completely eclipsed what he could. Our needs as a couple became non-existent. He was either withdrawn or angry. I was heartbroken, as my Robert had disappeared.

I thought he would show up again once he realized this attitude didn’t serve him. Go to therapy, PT, learn bridge—do something! That an “I can beat this!” attitude would appear and he would adapt and take action. Do whatever was necessary to get as well as he could and restore confidence and happiness to his life–and ours.

That’s what I would do,

but no matter what I suggested or tried, things only got worse.

I waited for months.

I waited for years.

If I waited any longer and continued to live my life his way, I would disappear down the rabbit hole right along with him. I was already on the descent.

We must not be wired the same way. He seems to disconnect, become rigid and angry. I’m the opposite. If I want something bad enough, I take action. Do whatever is necessary to get it done or make it happen–regardless of inconvenience, pain, or investment.

Focusing on why I’m doing what I’m doing, makes what I have to do to attain it become matter of fact. Initially, I may make excuses or feel sorry for myself, but that doesn’t last forever. I’ve learned to ditch the victim mentality, become the victor, embrace my inner Nike* and

The Grand Tetons on the road ahead. May 2017

just do it.

The radio was playing a symphony as I reached the crest of a hill; the cymbals crashed right on cue and the Grand Tetons appeared in the distance. I had to laugh. It was another “OMG! moment” getting me out of the car to pay homage and let me know I was on the right path.

I drove through Jackson and straight to the park. I couldn’t wait to see those Tetons up close and personal. Picturesque vignettes were all along the route–frozen lakes surrounded by snow-covered pines reminiscent of Hallmark Christmas cards–and those mountains! Almost uniform in their silhouette and contour, they were mesmerizing.

My evening in Jackson included a walk around town and a movie. Peering into shop windows and then sitting in the dark watching Tom Hanks and Emma Watson in The Circle was a strange departure from the activities of my past few days. I felt as if I’d entered an alternate universe, completely out of sync. Hitting the road in the morning was a far more familiar reality.

How had that happened so quickly?

It hadn’t even been a week since leaving Chicago and already it seemed like a different life. Either I was very adaptable or I was really ready for this trip. Probably a combination of both.

I thought I would spend a little time in Salt Lake City, but it too seemed like another planet. I don’t even think the full hour was used up on my parking meter before I was on the road again. Yes, it was lovely and the architecture was diverse and interesting, but the pristine environment seemed over-calculated. I longed for the handiwork of Mother Nature.

Fortunately, I got it right away. The Great Salt Lake really is great and the Great Salt Lake Desert completely unexpected. Bonneville Flats Speedway is only a tiny portion of it, I had no idea how enormous and unusual looking the rest of it was. Of course, the size is quite obvious if you look at a map, but—true confession–I’d never paid much attention to Utah before. Oops.

Nevada was not nearly as bleak, more of a living desert…complete with tumbleweed and cactus. I drove on as far as I could before tiring and wound up in a ticky-tacky little town off the highway loaded with casinos. After all, it was Nevada.

California, here I come!

I awoke the next morning knowing this would be my last day before reaching Oakland. My feelings were mixed. I was really looking forward to seeing the girls and beginning a new chapter of my life, but I hadn’t expected to enjoy getting there quite so much.

My last cross-country drive had been with Robert to our home in Palm Desert. Maybe spending more time there would improve things? Although Europe hadn’t qualified, the desert boasted of Eisenhower Medical Center, which seemed to meet his criteria. Not quite the adventure I had hoped for, but at least a start. I knew I would be the one doing the heavy lifting and maneuvering on the road, and I was okay with that, but his impatience and resentment made it difficult.

We drove by way of Denver to see friends and then down through Arizona to the Grand Canyon. It was fun to see them and a beautiful drive, but by the time Robert and I arrived at the canyon, I was hoping he would fall in…

By comparison, this trip was liberating. Silence and independence made me acutely aware of what I was seeing, feeling, and thinking. Having downloaded audio books and uploaded my playlist in preparation for hours alone, I was surprised how seldom I turned them on. The solitude was therapeutic, never lonely.

Following the California Trail, May 2017

Go ask Alice

By definition, change requires that you “make or become different” and/or “substitute or replace something”. All of that has been happening to me slowly but surely for the past few years, but it was loading up the car and heading west that reinforced the shift. My own personal “OMG!” moment.

“I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly; “but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”- Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

I know exactly how she feels.

“Where are you, Mom?”

“I’m just passing the zoo on the way up the hill.”

“My hill? You are! We have to get ready for you!” She hung up.

I arrived at the house a few minutes later, punched the code into the keypad and waited for the gate to open. It was dark out and at first, all I could see before me were fireworks in the driveway. As I drove in, the girls appeared in the firelight, yelling and jumping and waving their arms.

“Hooray, hooray, you’re here, you’re here!”

The perfect way to celebrate the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

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*Nike, the goddess of victory