The taffeta bag was tucked into the back corner of my dresser drawer. “What’s in here?” I asked myself as I removed the contents and carefully unfolded the tissue paper. The moment I ran my fingers over the sheer navy blue silk and refined embroidery, I was whisked back to the bright, sunny day when I bought it.
Sitting there on the floor, I remembered a glorious vacation with my husband at Lake Como. I could hear the laughter and feel the happiness from all those years ago; taste the fresh Gorgonzola cheese from that little shop in town. I even dared to try on the delicate lingerie to discover that not only did it still fit, but I also looked pretty much the same in it as I had before.
who is that woman?
My reflection in the mirror startled me. I hadn’t thought of myself “in that way” for so very long, and unfortunately, nor had anyone else. I was happy to see that I looked good, but sad to think of what had been lost. Life is so different now compared to when I had tucked that bag so affectionately into the drawer.
Robert and I have been separated for over a year and my apartment is for sale. It’s why I’m cleaning out the drawers, the closets, the cabinets…everything. I want to be prepared to pack quickly once the unit does sell, so purging is required. I was ready for the work, but not for how it was going to make me feel. Every nook and cranny houses parts of my life frozen in time, a virtual time capsule, taking me for a walk down Memory Lane with each item.
which is not all bad…
The next few drawers just made me laugh. I had three of them—yes, three– stuffed to capacity with pantyhose and tights. I burrowed through black, brown, navy, white, tan, green, purple, red, yellow, burgundy, and every conceivable shade of nude known to man. After that, I organized sheer, opaque, fishnet, textured…the list goes on.
Uncovering a bag of greenish tones took me right back to Fogal and how delighted I was to discover stockings that matched my olive shoes. Each color and texture in the drawers reminded me of the painstaking care I took to search out the perfect tone or texture to make sure every ensemble was just right.
did I really just say that?
It sounds so trivial to me now. With the onset of Robert’s illness, priorities changed and so did the number of meetings and events I attended. The suit that looks so good with those olive shoes and stockings hasn’t been worn in quite awhile.
Being well dressed has always been second nature and important to me, so I still want to look good. However, I can’t imagine ever going back to wearing suits and dresses all the time. I loved it, but I’m just not there anymore.
So when the little voice said, “throw out the purple tights, Laura!” I did just that. In fact, I was feeling so liberated, that I threw caution (and a whole lot more) to the wind and I’m down to just one drawer of stockings. After all, one must retain one’s standards.
is it just me?
All of this emotion was so disconcerting to me, that I couldn’t help sharing the experience with girlfriends. I was relieved to find out that I’m not the only one that has encountered these enlightening realizations. “It’s like reliving your whole life, “ said a friend who had just moved into her new place after being widowed.
Another friend is also discovering that she just isn’t who she used to be and so much of what she’s been packing up and carting around from place to place isn’t important to her anymore. We laugh and shake our heads in disbelief, for we were so immersed in that other way to be.
I have become profoundly aware of the “life of objects” and how we are impacted by them. Every item automatically triggers a memory or emotion to either be treasured and saved, or tossed into the trash along with it. Regardless of whether I celebrate or forgive each recollection, I bless it and move forward. The physical act of examining my “stuff” is helping me accomplish this.
I know that in order to fully embrace my future, I need to honor my past. I don’t want to bring the emotional baggage to my new home anymore than I want any of those extra stockings.
The blue lace lingerie, however, is coming with me. Because…well, you never know… 
21 Comments
You caught this moment in time perfectly. A little disconcerting that there are so many of us going through the same purging syndrome. Identifying what now is precious to me has taken on a whole new meaning. Odd isn’t it, that ‘now’ means something very different. Thanks for summing it up so cleanly and with such good humor.
you gotta laugh or you’d get crazy! it IS a very strange time…
Wow, Laura! You put the words out there for so many of us 60 somethings who feel our womanhood and sexuality are only memories. My sweet and beautiful mom passed from dementia last February, a shadow of what she’d been in her youth. My mom was a psychiatric nurse in Guam during WWII who treated soldiers suffering from PTSD. She was brilliant, graceful and stunning as a young woman. I remember when she was about my age now, she shared with me that her greatest regret regarding growing older was that men no longer look at her! My mom wasn’t vain and spent her adulthood raising 4 rambunctious kids. I never imagined my mom would grieve the loss of her youth, but she did. She was always physically beautiful but had such depth of character that her physical beauty never seemed important. I guess the moral of the story is that we can’t as women rely on outside forces (spouses, society, the universe, lingerie) to validate us. We’ve got to dig deeper to find the beauty that was so easy to see when we were younger. That being said, I see no need to throw away a perfectly good piece of lingerie. You never know when you’ll need it?
Such a powerful post. I too am purging,getting ready and open for my next adventure.
thanks, Kim. Glad it resonated with you. I’m SO ready for the next adventure!
Loved this excerpt, Laura! And, yes I can certainly relate to packing up objects that will never be used again, but saved and to this realization I wonder why. It’s our history, but honoring our past can be very freeing in many areas of our life. I admire your honesty and your forward destination. You will arrive in style, and yes, you never know when that lovely piece of blue lingerie will be needed! Onward! Bravo, Laura!!!
always in style….thanks Paula!
Yes, this purging thing is quite an exercise on many levels. I guess the rick is looking back at the past with nostalgia and not regret. Although I must say I find myself asking “What was I thinking when I bought this?” as I realize I shopped with less intention and more impulse too much of the time.
Anyway, I enjoyed the blog and all you shared. And, coincidentally I, too, have a lacey piece of lingerie I’m saving… It’s even navy blue!
Good luck to both of us in using our saved navy blue…!!
I am confident in the “clearing out” you are opening up space to create something wonderfully supportive. This is a heartfelt post and resonates with me on many levels. Once again, I am grateful to bear witness to your journey. You, dear Laura, are a beautiful and wise soul!
Thanks for your kind words and company on this journey, Nanci.
A brave passage of life and thanks so much for sharing what so many of us are experiencing. I am going directly to my stocking drawer !
thanks, Lawrie. Beware, once you get started it’s hard to stop!
“COMMIT. PURGE. REPLENISH.” – James Smythe, “The Machine”
Brava! XO
Thanks, Agustin!
Well done! Letting go is challenging. It is also freeing. Preparing for the next adventure!
Well, this just showed up today, 4/19/17–long after you sent it. Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
So the thing that struck me..the thing that makes me really happy about this post….is that you’re thinking “sexy” again! You’ve got too much gorgeous to let it go to waste. Oo la la….she’s back!
Ha! Well let’s such say I see it as a possibility….xox
This is such a lovely testimonial, Laura. Stuff is of course just stuff, but it really is filled with history, memory and meaning. You are better than Proust at taking us on your journey through the past and into the mystery of future possibilities. Thank you for sharing. Lots of love, Judy
We’re all In Search of Lost Time, aren’t we? Thanks, Judy xox