speak out

My three weeks in Peru had been brilliant, intense…enlightening. I wrote about it prior to my departure (summer vacation) and after my return (lighten up), but many friends have asked for comprehensive details. It’s been easy to communicate the wonders of Machu Picchu or travails of traveling alone by bus, taxi, train, plane or llama to various towns and archeological sites–for even though adventurous, trips to these places are still somewhat conventional. Ten days at a shamanic retreat, however, is not.

Just as I was trying to figure out how to put everything into words, I received an email with a link to a YouTube video. I knew the woman pictured, so clicked on the link to hear what she had to say. When the page opened up, I noticed another familiar face in the queue below—mine. Startled to see myself looking back at me from the screen, I immediately chose that one instead. Watching and listening, I realized that I had figured out how to put it into words, but now that I heard them, was I ready to share them?

What’s it all about?

When I was very young, my outspoken, curious way of being was celebrated and enjoyed. Then it wasn’t. There’s no way that I could know that it had nothing to do with me, I was too young and unaware, but the affects were overwhelming. Most of the time I felt like a bother or just plain stupid. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, it never made a difference, so I figured I really was worthless and just gave up–making myself small, hoping parents and teachers wouldn’t notice I was alive and make me feel worse than I already did.

Being sure that you don’t know what you’re talking about makes you somewhat reticent to speak up, especially when your point of view is different than everyone else. When I dared to open my mouth to present another opinion, I was mocked and teased, so I learned to just shut up. “If they all think that is right, I must be wrong!” How could my thinking be so different? Perhaps I had been switched at birth—sent home from the hospital with the wrong family, or deposited on earth from another planet? Forget that I looked just like these people, I prayed that my real family would find me and take me home.

A seventh grade teacher shocked me out of my stupor by being wonderful to the good students and scaring the hell out of those who weren’t. I wanted some of that wonderful. Yes, she embarrassed me into consciousness. I discovered that I wasn’t stupid, just had to apply myself. After figuring out how, I made a concerted effort to do everything I could think of to fit in and get approval. Which is better than wanting to disappear, but created a new paradigm. Fitting in to gain approval didn’t always represent my point of view, but my conditioning told me that my views were wrong, so I conformed. 

“Do whatever it takes”…

 …Became my mantra and it has served me well. I have an incredible work ethic that I’m proud of, but it’s not enough. I’ve been on a quest for most of my adult life, slowly unmasking the perceptions and inner knowing that I stuffed down and buried inside of me–taking back my power and finding my voice. It has not been easy, it has not always been fun, but it has been rewarding. With each treasure that is unearthed, it confirms that I’m pretty terrific and have a lot to offer the world.   My self-awareness has expanded and shifted. Serving humanity and me in a big way has become my priority and I’ve asked the Universe to help me figure out how to do that. I’m ready to step up, step out, and step off the precipice, fingers crossed. At least I think I am.

Back in April, I started writing my blog not quite knowing why, but knowing I just had to get the words out. Not just any words, but the words I’ve been unable to say, the ones that divulged more about me than I’ve been able to reveal; the words that express the part of me that has been locked away or denied because I was afraid of disapproval or rejection. I’m too old for that now.

And so…

I have decided to share the words filmed on the last day of our retreat. No more hiding. I’m ready to be seen without the mask of perfection, be it the way I look or the words I speak. After all, if I’m a champion for authenticity, don’t I have to exemplify it? In the video below I am without benefit of hair, make up and wardrobe, au naturel in more ways than one. Nothing written or rehearsed and all on the first take. I’m answering questions posed by the retreat leader, the delightful Carolina. So enough writing, it’s time that I speak for myself….