LETTING GO
I was living a charmed life–by anyone’s standards. I had a great husband, a successful career, a happy daughter, supportive and loving friends and family, a beautiful home. All the right stuff.
When my husband became seriously ill and almost died, it changed everything. He survived his illnesses, but lost his essence, becoming another person entirely. It affected every part of our lives–friends, family, business, you name it. I was committed and gave it my all, but adapting to the changes was tough. The experience shifted my perspective, causing me to question my very existence. It was more than feeling sorry for myself because my husband’s health had curtailed my activities…. Nothing felt right anymore.
It was as if my whole being was under a microscope, enlarged so I could take a good hard look at it. Being uncomfortable in your own skin, is not a good feeling. I thought I was doing everything right, and perhaps I was, but by someone else’s standards. Once aware of that, I realized that I didn’t even know what my very own standards were! I had been living the life I was told to want, but did I really want it?
Hoping to discover my true, authentic self, I have been on a quest ever since. The examination process is difficult and scary. It requires that I speak up regardless of the consequences, relinquish my need of approval, and generally let go of a whole heck of a lot.
I am smack dab in the middle of the discovery process, following a new path with each step that I take, looking for my place in the world and a new way to inhabit it. My hope is that some of my discoveries will lead you to unearth some of your own.
If this sounds familiar to you and references your own life, let me share a few of the techniques I’ve used to get clear and let go. These insights may help you find your way from who you think you’re supposed to be and lead you to discover who you really are.
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF
It all begins with you. If you’ve been blaming somebody else for the condition you’re in or expecting someone to come save you, stop now, and save yourself. It’s time to take control of your life. It may have been someone else’s idea or suggestion, but you’re the one who agreed to go along with it. Once I was able to confront the fact that I was responsible by agreement, I realized that I had the power to change my mind and create what I wanted in my life. But how to discover what that was?
You’re pretty clear about the things you hate, so begin by listing all of those and get it out of the way. They are not the problem. Instead, consider the things in your life that you tolerate and put up with, as those are the real demons. What are you hiding from yourself? What don’t you want to know because if you did, you might just have to do something about it?
Need a clue? Start by listing all of the “shoulds” in your life. You’ll be amazed with what you find out about yourself, I know I was. You may not be happy with the information, but now that you are aware, you can take action. What could you do instead of or in addition to those things you feel you should do? Write them down and read them daily. Use your list to explore potential change by trying out some of the “instead” items on your list. If you focus on the alternative, sometimes the “should” magically disappears.
Each time you tell yourself the truth and face your demons head-on, it strengthens your resolve and awareness, making it easier to determine what you want in your life. Write that down, too. A wish list, written in the positive form, as if you already have it. For instance, “I have a new, happy life!” not “I want a new, happy life”–got it? Being honest with yourself and stating what you want will get easier as you peel away all those years and layers of conditioning.
BE HONEST WITH OTHERS
After you become honest with yourself, it’s time to share your truth. Do you sugarcoat your words, afraid of anger or hurt feelings? It’s tough to face the consequences of speaking your truth, but it will save you from a life half lived.
If you’re holding back or only have inkling that something is bugging you, tell somebody. Start by talking to a trusted friend or therapist who will listen and not judge. Saying the words aloud to another person brings clarity, builds confidence, and allows you to further analyze your situation. Sharing your feelings helps you wrap your brain around them and reinforces your commitment to growth and change. I always gain new insights when I talk about something, be it a problem or a new idea.
Still dreading that talk with a certain someone? It’s particularly helpful to speak your truth to a mirror–over and over again if necessary. Look into your eyes and watch your own reactions to your words. Allow your emotions to flow and let yourself feel them. The emotional sting points you in the direction of your truth. Scream, cry, jump up and down…do whatever helps you express yourself and get to the heart of the matter. Don’t continue to hold back any longer, you’re in the safety of your own company.
One of two things will result from these exercises. First, you will have found the words, courage, strength, and fortitude to finally have the discussion you need to have with the person who needs to hear it and accept the consequences of their reaction. Remember that they may not be as overjoyed as you are with your new policy of honesty, so be prepared to weather the storm if it arises. You can do this.
The second result is sometimes even more satisfying. You will discover that there are whole groups of people that you no longer care about one way or the other. Your newfound truth allows you to be honest about their presence in your life at all. If who they are doesn’t align with who you’re becoming, stop your interaction and cut them out of your life. As you uncover more truths about yourself, you won’t have much in common with them anyway. Which brings me to my next point.
LIVE BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS
Thinking bigger, broader, or differently than everyone else in your family and community is sometimes met with ridicule or punishment. Keeping it a secret to avoid embarrassment and trying to fit in will make you crazy. I remember it and can still feel the pain. You too? As a child, you don’t have the understanding to make sense of it, so you conform. “If everyone else thinks this, I must be wrong by thinking that. I couldn’t be the only one that’s right!” So you shut up and make yourself small, trying to hide your perceived stupidity.
In an effort to survive, you discover that being like everyone else produces positive feedback and makes you feel accepted. You are included, invited, and involved in the world around you. Welcomed where before you were shunned. “Wow, I guess I’m not so stupid after all–I figured it out!” It feels good and can feel good for a long time.
And then it won’t. Deep inside, the real you keeps struggling to get out, trying to make itself known in anyway it can. You will fight back, as if you are drowning, to preserve the life you have crafted, the one that is familiar and accepted. You would defend it to the death, and some people do.
It takes a lot of courage to be the odd ball…to stop doing what you’re doing so you can discover a better way for you. I am not suggesting that you develop coping skills to deal with rejection and tolerate your current reality, that does not lead to authenticity. Don’t you want to connect with people who will not only accept, but rejoice in who you are?
You may not have to go far, perhaps there are people in your community who are more like you than you think, who are also hiding from their truth. Have the courage to speak out, shine your light so you can find each other. It may ostracize you from some, but make you visible to those with similar core values and ideals. Not sure of what is really important to you? Read on.
REDISCOVER YOUR OLD SELF
We all want love and approval and have been made to think we have to be a certain way to get it. Most of us are unaware that we’re conforming, but feel like something is off. The key is to remember who you were at the core, before life conditioned you into who you’ve become. Are you ready to give up who you think you are to be all you can be?
Think about it, but in a good way. Don’t obsess, meditate instead. It will provide insights into yourself that are unobtainable any other way. Not the kind for stress relief, or a guided style that takes you through a script. Those are helpful at times, but will not serve you now. It’s time to get out of your head and get in touch with your higher self, the one who remembers. Transcend your conscious mind.
Get comfortable, sit up, and sit still with your eyes closed, then let your mind wander. Some people concentrate on their breath, others repeat a mantra. Unless you really have to be somewhere at a certain time, don’t set an alarm to pull you out of your reverie. When I’ve had to do that, it always goes off right when I’m about to get the big reveal!
It may be hard to quiet your mind and stop running through your “to do” list in your head, but persevere, going back to your breath or mantra. I went for formal training in Transcendental Meditation. It was easy and truly expanded my consciousness. No kidding. The Maharishi Mahesh Yogi knew what he was talking about….
Reconnecting with your essence can also be attained by journaling. You may want to write down the insights you discover during your meditation sessions so you can remember those fleeting thoughts. I have a notebook next to me so I can record my ideas before they slip away. Even a word or two can remind you of what has been revealed.
Free writing is another path to discovery. Start with a blank page and write the date at the top of it. Then write down whatever comes into your head. Penmanship, punctuation, and grammar don’t count here, it’s for your eyes only. Getting the words out is what’s important.
Julia Cameron developed a method of journaling to help artists and writers break through their creative blocks called Morning Pages. It is detailed in her books, The Artist’s Way being the first. She suggests free writing at least three pages every morning upon waking. If nothing comes to mind and you’re stuck, start describing your surroundings or detail your schedule for the day. Keep going, the good stuff will show up eventually. Some mornings, you get nothing; others you get the wisdom of the Universe.
What to do with all this wisdom? Change your life, of course! Daunting, I know. Change a little bit, sure, but everything? Yep. No bargaining here, you have to give it your all to get the life you want.
NO BARGAINING WITH THE UNIVERSE
You can’t bargain with the universe like some people do when they’re on a diet…”Oh, a little bit of ice cream won’t hurt… I think I’ll skip exercise this week…” It all adds up and before you know it you’ve gained a few pounds or at the very least are stuck at the same weight professing that you “just can’t lose weight no matter what I do!” Many people think trying is enough, surprised when they don’t get what they want out of life by doing as little as possible.
I know you’ve done it before, laid out a plan of good intentions only to crash and burn. Why? I’ll bet the plan comprised ways to keep what you had in your life disguised as ways you wanted to change. Do you really want to be thinner or healthier or only think you should be? If you truly want it, stop eating the ice cream and go to the gym, forever. Your success or failure depends upon your truth.
Instead of trying, try letting go. Becoming yourself is work, but not in the sense of the word you are familiar with. You “gotta wanna” more than you want anything else and do whatever it takes to get it. Be prepared to discover that whatever it takes may turn out to be doing nothing at all.
The work begins by sitting in the emptiness that surrounds you, despite the temptation to escape the discomfort of stillness. At this stage of your development, the hardest thing to do is just wait and see what develops. Now that you’re aware, you want to do something, but I encourage you to resist the urge to do anything other than find a good place to wait for inspiration.
ENVIRONMENT MATTERS
In this culture of multitasking and multimedia it is difficult to think. Everyone knows how to do, but not too many of us learn how to just be. We are conditioned to keep moving, keep talking, keep watching, keep doing… because if we are still, we will feel and maybe that won’t feel very good. When you don’t eat the ice cream, go to the party, or stop surfing the internet–you feel empty, which is a good start. That void is filled with possibilities.
To step into your real self, you may have to step out of your current environment. Do you feel more like yourself in nature, yet live in in a booming metropolis? Do you long for a beach or snow-capped mountains? It may be time to make a move, to explore new cultures and destinations. If that’s not possible right now, try slowing down or changing your schedule to get you out of your comfort zone. Meeting new people in new places forces you to adopt new behavior. Remember, you aren’t like you anymore and it will help to define this different person you are becoming.
Keep track of what feels right and what doesn’t. Are you surprised? Are you reminded of something that you can’t quite remember? Do you feel drawn to a certain place or particular culture? Even the smallest detail merits consideration while you explore your fresh options. Be open to the additional information and possibilities for change. It’s an exciting prospect!
THE CONCLUSION?
I have found like-minded beings in my hometown, stopped doing the things I don’t want to do, and integrated new spiritual practices into my life, but it hasn’t changed enough to tip the scales. Periodic trips help for a while, but only serve to remind me that location carries its own energy and demands certain things of you. I believe you can’t really be different if you stay in the same place. So I’m off to find a new one.
I’m chronicling my journey on my blog and I invite you there to share your journey with me and other travelers on this quest. We can rally together to discuss our hopes, dreams, fears, and successes. Learn strategies from each other how to break through and live a wonderful life. I’m dedicated to living the rest of my mine in discovery and celebration of my true, authentic self. What about you?
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